The Last String of Hope

I wake up every morning with this lingering urge to check my messages, did she send a text? But just like the past few days, the answer is always the same, silence.

Moving on isn’t easy. I don’t know how you managed to do it so effortlessly. I say "effortlessly" because even when things started feeling off between us, you never wanted to address it. You never confronted me. But I did. Every time I felt something was wrong, I brought it up. I wanted us to talk through it. I kept saying that without good communication, a relationship becomes difficult. I guess, at some point, we lost that, communication.

Still, the habit of waking up to your messages lingers. It's muscle memory now, reaching for my phone, hoping to see your name.

I know that the only way to move on is to completely let go. But that’s the hardest part, isn’t it? It’s the holding on that keeps a small part of me believing there’s still a chance. The last time we spoke, I told you, "I don’t know what else to do but put it in God’s hands." And that’s exactly what I need to do, let you go and trust that whatever is meant to be will happen.

But then, there’s the streak. It might seem silly, but losing our Snapchat streak feels like losing the last thread connecting us. Every day, I check, did she send her streaks today? Is it still alive? A part of me knows that once that streak is gone, there’s nothing left. You might say, "It’s just a streak; it doesn’t mean anything." But to me, it does. That’s was part of our story, starting with a seven-hour voice call, to sharing moments at different stages of our lives,  building something real.

I still find myself looking back. Scrolling through old photos, watching our videos, reliving the journey we shared, from you as a student, balancing work and school, to your graduation. i remember the nights when we talked about the struggle to find a job, and then you called one day and passed on the good news, i was so happy for your win. You shared your wins with me, they became our win. We built 735 days of memories together, though our story started even before then. Write about 18th march would have been our 2 years aniverary, expand on those memories on the snap chat, be detailed, school, test, exam, when she passed, when she said she didnt do too good and encourged her and she came back with a win, long drives to her (what she calls the practical she does on tuesday talking about how her day went, when she was making her hair, staying on a call just going thorugh it and doing a fantastic job as well, screenshots of her sleeping, 

But I have to let go.

"I cannot take you forward if you keep looking back."